Monday, October 26, 2015
What I'm Gaining
I continue to move forward and push myself. It's not easy. But, I never really expected it to be. I missed two days of walking last week and boy did I notice when I got back to it! With the weather getting colder and the darker mornings and evenings it would be so easy to stay in bed but I keep forcing myself forward. I am still making progress. I weighed in this morning at 295, down another four pounds. My main focus has been on getting healthier, but it does feel nice to see the weight going down. As I'm losing, I'm most definitely gaining. Gaining muscle tone and endurance. Gaining confidence it what I can do. Gaining a more positive outlook. Sometimes I still feel a sense of loss at what I've perceived myself to have given up: sleep, my comfort zone, certain foods I used to eat with gusto. But, I keep reminding myself of what I have, and continue to, gain and I know it is all worth it. What I'm gaining is of far greater worth than what I am losing.
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Take a Walk With Me
One of the challenges I have with this blog is thinking of things to write about. Sometimes there is a clear event or piece of progress I want to share. Most of the time, I worry about boring everyone. This is because, basically, my work toward getting healthy is pretty boring. I'm not doing anything fantastic or interesting from day-to-day. I stretch. I walk. I try to eat less and I try to eat better. I work to stay motivated. That's about it.
In spite of the dullness, I do have moments of pure enjoyment and clarity. These come as I'm walking each day. My mind wanders and I have the opportunity to enjoy some quiet and some time to contemplate without four people vying for my attention. Sometimes my mind wanders into interesting places. This is the case of the other morning as I thought of how I might narrate that small portion of my walk. It went something like this:
"I trod along, my feet moving methodically as I propel myself forward. The sidewalk is occasionally uneven and broken. The extra effort it takes to move around the cracks and lifted corners of the cement breaks my concentration and awakens the dull throb in my left knee. The pain is slight and I remind myself that it will be temporary--as I keep moving forward I will notice it less and less until the day comes when it is no longer there. I lift my head to look around in an attempt to move my focus away from my feet. My imagination is suddenly captured by the vibrant colors of the leaves. The trees are in full autumn dress--blushing reds, royal yellows and dying browns. I wonder at the hues so bright in the morning sun. Do the trees revel in their colorful splendor? What color would I choose, were I given the choice? Is there a sadness being expressed in the loss of summer green, or only joy at the knowledge that winter death will bring spring renewal?
I become distracted from my musings by a barking dog in a nearby yard. I have grown accustomed to the barking but offer a silent apology to any still-sleeping neighbors as I pass by. I quicken my steps and the throbbing continues in my knee. My legs, too, are feeling the work and the muscles are getting sore. It just means they are getting stronger I remind myself. Keep pushing forward--you are strong and you are capable and this will get easier. I quietly cheer myself on and imagine the day when I can run down these streets in ease. I pass under a catalpa tree, the dark brown seed pods making a satisfying crunch under my pink-and-black sneakers. I smile at the sound.
Turning a corner, I awake a small group of black crickets. They scurry away at my approach, barely making the short hop into the grass before I pass by. As I see the crickets, I recall that my daughter, Layla, had recently asked if she could catch some to take to school. She was very excited to announce that, if she brought a live cricket to class, she would get a piece of candy. When I had asked what the crickets were for, she explained that they would be lunch for the class tarantula, Tula. A couple of days later, Layla captured an unfortunate cricket on the way to school. She placed it in the side pocket of her backpack--a fine specimen to be devoured for sure. I realize that I had failed to ask Layla how this turned out. Did the cricket make it to class okay? Were all of the legs still attached as it arrived? Was Tula pleased with the offering? I make a mental note to ask about this later and continue on my walk."
In spite of the dullness, I do have moments of pure enjoyment and clarity. These come as I'm walking each day. My mind wanders and I have the opportunity to enjoy some quiet and some time to contemplate without four people vying for my attention. Sometimes my mind wanders into interesting places. This is the case of the other morning as I thought of how I might narrate that small portion of my walk. It went something like this:
"I trod along, my feet moving methodically as I propel myself forward. The sidewalk is occasionally uneven and broken. The extra effort it takes to move around the cracks and lifted corners of the cement breaks my concentration and awakens the dull throb in my left knee. The pain is slight and I remind myself that it will be temporary--as I keep moving forward I will notice it less and less until the day comes when it is no longer there. I lift my head to look around in an attempt to move my focus away from my feet. My imagination is suddenly captured by the vibrant colors of the leaves. The trees are in full autumn dress--blushing reds, royal yellows and dying browns. I wonder at the hues so bright in the morning sun. Do the trees revel in their colorful splendor? What color would I choose, were I given the choice? Is there a sadness being expressed in the loss of summer green, or only joy at the knowledge that winter death will bring spring renewal?
I become distracted from my musings by a barking dog in a nearby yard. I have grown accustomed to the barking but offer a silent apology to any still-sleeping neighbors as I pass by. I quicken my steps and the throbbing continues in my knee. My legs, too, are feeling the work and the muscles are getting sore. It just means they are getting stronger I remind myself. Keep pushing forward--you are strong and you are capable and this will get easier. I quietly cheer myself on and imagine the day when I can run down these streets in ease. I pass under a catalpa tree, the dark brown seed pods making a satisfying crunch under my pink-and-black sneakers. I smile at the sound.
Turning a corner, I awake a small group of black crickets. They scurry away at my approach, barely making the short hop into the grass before I pass by. As I see the crickets, I recall that my daughter, Layla, had recently asked if she could catch some to take to school. She was very excited to announce that, if she brought a live cricket to class, she would get a piece of candy. When I had asked what the crickets were for, she explained that they would be lunch for the class tarantula, Tula. A couple of days later, Layla captured an unfortunate cricket on the way to school. She placed it in the side pocket of her backpack--a fine specimen to be devoured for sure. I realize that I had failed to ask Layla how this turned out. Did the cricket make it to class okay? Were all of the legs still attached as it arrived? Was Tula pleased with the offering? I make a mental note to ask about this later and continue on my walk."
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Progress in Pictures
Exactly four weeks ago today, I had Rick take some "before" pictures of me. Today, he again took some pictures for me to help me mark my progress. So, here they are. I hope you can see some progress. I can! (Yes, Spencer is photo-bombing.)
 |
| Today |
 |
| Four Weeks Ago |
 |
| Four Weeks Ago |
 |
| Today |
Saturday, October 10, 2015
Conquering Hills
Lately, I've been conquering hills. Not just physically, but figuratively, as well. Granted, they are not very big hills, but I feel them nonetheless. Let's take today's walk, for example. I was already about 20 minutes in, about 1/3 of the way through (I've been doing about an hour of walking everyday) and was feeling every step. (This probably had something to do with the 1 1/2 hours of walking we had already done this morning with the kids at the museum.) I was tired. And sore. And not pushing myself very hard. I came to a point where I had a choice to make. I could turn right and take an easy, flat, mostly shaded street heading back towards home. Or, I could go straight and up a noticeable hill. It probably isn't much to most people, but it intimidated me. I knew it would hurt. I knew it would make the last half of my walk harder. What route would you choose?
The "old" me would have taken the easier route. The "new" me pushed myself through this challenge. I made it up the hill. Most significant is how I made it up the hill. I talked to myself. I encouraged myself. I cheered myself on. My little voice in my head told me to push forward, that I was strong and capable, that I could do this and it would feel great. I told myself that I could do hard things and that as I did them, they would get easier. I told myself that I was already getting stronger and healthier and that I could overcome the many hills and challenges I have been facing. I told myself that I was not a quitter and that I could achieve anything. Being able to say these things to myself, and really believe them, is a big deal.
You see, the self-talk I have been using for some time had not been very nice. I've gotten really good at tearing myself down. And equally as bad, I've gotten really good at excusing myself from good challenges and rewarding myself in poor ways. A couple of months ago, I probably would have been telling myself that there was no way I could get my fat butt up that hill. In fact, I would have been dwelling on my soreness, and tiredness, and excusing myself to sit down and rest and oh, here's a candy bar or two--you deserve them. Then I would have mentally berated myself for being so fat and lazy. It's amazing how much of a difference it makes when that mental shift occurs and one is now able to speak positively to oneself. I know I can feel the change, and it's amazing.
One of the things that has been helping with this shift is a book that Rick and I read and are using together. It's from Jon Gabriel and is called Visualization for Weight Loss. It will take time to determine if the visualizations will actually help with losing weight, but I have already been reaping the benefits of changing the way I think about my weight loss and, of course, myself. Part of what I took away from the book right away was the need to think encouragingly about what I am doing. I have found myself encouraging myself more and more as I am walking. I tell myself that I'm strong, that I'm getting healthier every day, that each step I take is getting me closer to where I want to be. I keep telling myself this, even though I can't always tell that I'm getting stronger or healthier or thinner. I believe it is happening, and picture it, and that helps keeping me going. I can feel myself becoming more positive and this is an important, big deal to me.
As far as the weight loss and getting thinner, etc., I know it will take time to really see and feel results. However, I did see an old co-worker this week who asked if I was exercising and seemed surprised when she saw me, which made me feel good. Oh, and Rick tells me he can tell that something is happening because I'm getting "squishier." I choose to take that as a compliment.
The "old" me would have taken the easier route. The "new" me pushed myself through this challenge. I made it up the hill. Most significant is how I made it up the hill. I talked to myself. I encouraged myself. I cheered myself on. My little voice in my head told me to push forward, that I was strong and capable, that I could do this and it would feel great. I told myself that I could do hard things and that as I did them, they would get easier. I told myself that I was already getting stronger and healthier and that I could overcome the many hills and challenges I have been facing. I told myself that I was not a quitter and that I could achieve anything. Being able to say these things to myself, and really believe them, is a big deal.
You see, the self-talk I have been using for some time had not been very nice. I've gotten really good at tearing myself down. And equally as bad, I've gotten really good at excusing myself from good challenges and rewarding myself in poor ways. A couple of months ago, I probably would have been telling myself that there was no way I could get my fat butt up that hill. In fact, I would have been dwelling on my soreness, and tiredness, and excusing myself to sit down and rest and oh, here's a candy bar or two--you deserve them. Then I would have mentally berated myself for being so fat and lazy. It's amazing how much of a difference it makes when that mental shift occurs and one is now able to speak positively to oneself. I know I can feel the change, and it's amazing.
One of the things that has been helping with this shift is a book that Rick and I read and are using together. It's from Jon Gabriel and is called Visualization for Weight Loss. It will take time to determine if the visualizations will actually help with losing weight, but I have already been reaping the benefits of changing the way I think about my weight loss and, of course, myself. Part of what I took away from the book right away was the need to think encouragingly about what I am doing. I have found myself encouraging myself more and more as I am walking. I tell myself that I'm strong, that I'm getting healthier every day, that each step I take is getting me closer to where I want to be. I keep telling myself this, even though I can't always tell that I'm getting stronger or healthier or thinner. I believe it is happening, and picture it, and that helps keeping me going. I can feel myself becoming more positive and this is an important, big deal to me.
As far as the weight loss and getting thinner, etc., I know it will take time to really see and feel results. However, I did see an old co-worker this week who asked if I was exercising and seemed surprised when she saw me, which made me feel good. Oh, and Rick tells me he can tell that something is happening because I'm getting "squishier." I choose to take that as a compliment.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
A Few Thoughts
I've had a few thoughts bumping around in my mind today; I hope that I can do some justice as I attempt to share them. I have come to believe that trials provide an opportunity for learning and growth. The challenge, for me, is to recognize this while the trial is still happening. One of the hardest trials I have faced (and continue to face) in my married life centers on employment. Many of you may know that I was laid off from my job in August. This is my third lay-off in less than eight years and this trial is particularly difficult because it stresses so many parts of my family and I's life. Each time this happens, however, I am afforded a great opportunity to do and learn something important.
In 2008, after only seven months at my first "real job" and just part-way through our first year of marriage, I was laid-off as grant funding was cut. This first lay-off wasn't as difficult as later ones, but it was challenging. Finding myself afforded some extra time, I spent the months after that job loss focusing on my spiritual health and growth. The experiences I had as a result have provided sweet memories and have continued to uplift and support me to this day.
Last fall, I was again laid-off from a job after funding to our grant was cut. This job loss was harder to recover from because it had taken much time and effort to secure the position and I had more people relying on me than previously. As challenging as this was, it allowed our family to seek out a new place where we have found many joys. The kids love their schools and enjoy more opportunities here than we had before us previously. We also enjoyed a little more financial security in my new position and were, finally, self-sufficient.
Losing the self-sufficiency we obtained with my most recent position was one of the hardest parts of this lay-off. There is a lot of fear present when you don't know how you're going to make ends meet and be able to support those dear family members who so heavily rely on you. It is easy to become depressed and I know that my self-esteem has most decidedly been affected--even though the job loss had nothing to do with me and only occurred as our program lost funding. I am realizing, though, that this period of unemployment has allowed me to really take stock of what is important and is pushing me to focus more on things that have previously been neglected--including my health. For this opportunity, I appreciate the time I have been given and hope that I am making the most of it. I believe that I am.
As a side note--I weighed myself this morning at the same place I previously weighed. I am at 301.7, down over six pounds. This is me smiling. :)
In 2008, after only seven months at my first "real job" and just part-way through our first year of marriage, I was laid-off as grant funding was cut. This first lay-off wasn't as difficult as later ones, but it was challenging. Finding myself afforded some extra time, I spent the months after that job loss focusing on my spiritual health and growth. The experiences I had as a result have provided sweet memories and have continued to uplift and support me to this day.
Last fall, I was again laid-off from a job after funding to our grant was cut. This job loss was harder to recover from because it had taken much time and effort to secure the position and I had more people relying on me than previously. As challenging as this was, it allowed our family to seek out a new place where we have found many joys. The kids love their schools and enjoy more opportunities here than we had before us previously. We also enjoyed a little more financial security in my new position and were, finally, self-sufficient.
Losing the self-sufficiency we obtained with my most recent position was one of the hardest parts of this lay-off. There is a lot of fear present when you don't know how you're going to make ends meet and be able to support those dear family members who so heavily rely on you. It is easy to become depressed and I know that my self-esteem has most decidedly been affected--even though the job loss had nothing to do with me and only occurred as our program lost funding. I am realizing, though, that this period of unemployment has allowed me to really take stock of what is important and is pushing me to focus more on things that have previously been neglected--including my health. For this opportunity, I appreciate the time I have been given and hope that I am making the most of it. I believe that I am.
As a side note--I weighed myself this morning at the same place I previously weighed. I am at 301.7, down over six pounds. This is me smiling. :)
Thursday, October 1, 2015
An Encouraging Revelation
I wanted to share an encouraging event from this week. As stated previously, one of my food addictions from the recent months was the large strawberry or cherry limeades from Sonic. I had not had one since beginning my quest for better health and this item was by far one of my greater cravings. After a rough day earlier this week, I went and obtained said item. I was only able to get in about ten sips before determining that it did, indeed, taste terrible to me and I had no desire to drink it. I felt guilty throwing away the drink, but I think it was a break-through to realize that the sugary beverage no longer appealed to me and I believe that I will no longer suffer from that craving. Although it has been difficult for me to change the way I eat and drink, I am finding that it is getting easier.
On that note, I thought I'd share some of the ways I've been improving my eating and drinking habits. One is to drink more water. I strive to drink about five liters of water everyday. I often don't drink that much, but it is a goal I've made based on my weight and suggested intake. One way I've come to really enjoy my water is through the addition of a couple of drops of lemon essential oil. Rick and I are using Young Living Essential Oils and have come to love the products. I am not usually one to like lemon in my water, but I find that this addition of lemon oil is refreshing and appetizing to me.
For breakfast every day, I have been trying to include plenty of protein. Usually, I will have two egg whites and one egg scrambled with olive oil, chopped bell pepper or spinach, sprinkled with pepper and a little mozzarella cheese. Yum! For lunch I make a salad. It varies, but I love to use fresh cabbage. I may mix this with fresh spinach and/or romaine lettuce. I usually top it will some walnuts, feta cheese, craisins, maybe some apple or some chopped, cooked chicken. The chicken is baked with olive oil or cooked in the crockpot. My salad is dressed with low-fat balsamic vinaigrette. Where has this dressing been all my life?! My stomach is currently growling in anticipation.
I usually have an afternoon snack of fruit or some low-fat cottage cheese (watch portions!) and then eat dinner with the rest of the family. I try to be careful with portion sizes at dinner time but don't stress myself out too much. It's a process! Sometimes after dinner I will be craving sweetness. I have a container of protein ball mixture and eat a spoonful when I have such cravings. That will usually tide me over and keep me from seeking out a bag of chocolate chips to finish off.
Is my diet perfect? No. Am I learning new habits and healthier options? Yes. That's what matters. I still crave heavier options and even find myself longing for fast food at times. What a strange emotion of sadness I felt the other day when I saw someone else in a drive-thru line and wished it was me. How disappointing that I should feel that way! How proud I was that I didn't turn the car around. I still have a ways to go but I keep reminding myself that it will be hard. I will be hungry. It will take time to see and feel real results. But, it will be worth it. I have spent too much time in my life in the habit of wishing and dreaming to be fit and healthy and, for the first time in my life, I now see this instead as an obtainable goal. That keeps me going.
On that note, I thought I'd share some of the ways I've been improving my eating and drinking habits. One is to drink more water. I strive to drink about five liters of water everyday. I often don't drink that much, but it is a goal I've made based on my weight and suggested intake. One way I've come to really enjoy my water is through the addition of a couple of drops of lemon essential oil. Rick and I are using Young Living Essential Oils and have come to love the products. I am not usually one to like lemon in my water, but I find that this addition of lemon oil is refreshing and appetizing to me.
For breakfast every day, I have been trying to include plenty of protein. Usually, I will have two egg whites and one egg scrambled with olive oil, chopped bell pepper or spinach, sprinkled with pepper and a little mozzarella cheese. Yum! For lunch I make a salad. It varies, but I love to use fresh cabbage. I may mix this with fresh spinach and/or romaine lettuce. I usually top it will some walnuts, feta cheese, craisins, maybe some apple or some chopped, cooked chicken. The chicken is baked with olive oil or cooked in the crockpot. My salad is dressed with low-fat balsamic vinaigrette. Where has this dressing been all my life?! My stomach is currently growling in anticipation.
I usually have an afternoon snack of fruit or some low-fat cottage cheese (watch portions!) and then eat dinner with the rest of the family. I try to be careful with portion sizes at dinner time but don't stress myself out too much. It's a process! Sometimes after dinner I will be craving sweetness. I have a container of protein ball mixture and eat a spoonful when I have such cravings. That will usually tide me over and keep me from seeking out a bag of chocolate chips to finish off.
Is my diet perfect? No. Am I learning new habits and healthier options? Yes. That's what matters. I still crave heavier options and even find myself longing for fast food at times. What a strange emotion of sadness I felt the other day when I saw someone else in a drive-thru line and wished it was me. How disappointing that I should feel that way! How proud I was that I didn't turn the car around. I still have a ways to go but I keep reminding myself that it will be hard. I will be hungry. It will take time to see and feel real results. But, it will be worth it. I have spent too much time in my life in the habit of wishing and dreaming to be fit and healthy and, for the first time in my life, I now see this instead as an obtainable goal. That keeps me going.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)